Lingual Tremors

Wonder Woman Underoos and Poison: The Best Feminist Recruiting Tools Yet...

Calling all wannabe feminists:  Join us, fight sexist injustice, get underoos and poison!

So, if you haven't seen it, Kristen Schaal did a hilarious piece on the Jon Stewart show about sexist media coverage in the Clinton campaign.  Apparently, all women have poison and wear Wonder Woman underoos when fighting injustice.  There are really hilarious moments here:  "misogyny is like jazz:  women know it when they hear it" and "freedom tears."  The Indigo Girls soundtrack to the strip show, along with "good thing she's not going to be president or there'd be garbage bags full of testicles all over America." 

Hilarious.  Watch it.  Then buy some underoos at amazon.  Hat tip:  TGW.

Make Your Own Shrinky Dinks (!)

Reduce.  Reuse.  Recycle.

Make your own Shrinky Dinks.

People:  you know you are getting these for X-mas.

Hat tip to Jules for the link!

This Will Weird You Out

I awoke this morning to realize that I had an extended dream about George W. Bush last night.  We were dressed in jeans and sweatshirts sitting around an indoor (but suitably rustic) campfire with Dick Cheney and a group of unidentifiable Republicans.  George asked me to lead the campfire songs.  I congenially agreed.  (Why?  Why?)  He became delighted and did what, for lack of a better term, could only be called a happy dance when he realized we knew the same campfire songs from church camp. Regrettably there were no smores.  But I was remarkably in tune. 

For this I need to lose 8 hours of precious work time each night?

Me?  George?  A campfire?  Camp songs?

ACLU Pizza

Have you seen the ACLU pizza order?  If you haven't you should.  It's old--2005 or so, but really, really great (and accurate). 

Hat tip:  The Quixotic Tremor

Very nice commentary on ACLU pizza

THIS IS SO SCARY.

Lingual Y wishes you a belated Happy Easter.  Yikes!

Oh No! The Gay Agenda is Lost!!!

Calling all New Yorkers:  look out for a Hello Kitty Trapper Keeper!  The gay agenda has been lost!  (Hee hee).  Head on over to the Lesbian Pirate Queen for today's Fake Gay News.

"The biggest, baddest, meanest froggy"

This was on the front page of Yahoo, so you probably already saw it, but it amused me, so I'm linking to it.  I give you:  Beezlebufo, uberfrog.  Hee hee.  I want to adopt him for a mascot.  According to Will Dunham (Reuters):

"It was the biggest, baddest, meanest froggy ever to have hopped on Earth.                                                                         

Scientists on Monday announced the discovery in northwestern Madagascar of a bulky amphibian dubbed the "devil frog" that lived 65 million to 70 million years ago and was so nasty it may have eaten newborn dinosaurs."

(Image by Dan Klores:  image below links to the original file)

You Must. Click. Link.

Mark Fiore.  The Spies Who Love You.  Think "Bad Idea Bears" from Avenue Q.  Think, snuggly anti-terrorism.  Do not put anything in your mouth while you watch this.  You will spit it out.

Hillary's Emotional Breakdown: Jon Stewart's Are You F****ng Kidding Me?

Rooting for the Underdog... Could I Become a Fruitcake Fan?

This is my general opinion of fruitcake.  (For more great holiday images, go to:  Edward Gorey).

However, in my life, I perpetually root for the underdog.  So, over the weekend, NPR did a piece on the 3rd Annual Fruitcake Festival (Go to the site for the complete list of activities.  What a hoot!). 

The festival originated to save and honor fruitcakes, the most maligned of all holiday treats!  How can you not root for the underdog?  The festival features fruitcake-themed costumes, a fruitcake fling (no cakes are harmed in the annual toss), and an orphanage for unwanted fruitcakes. 

It almost makes me want to eat some...or at least mail our much maligned family fruitcake to someone who will actually eat it and enjoy it...

And, doesn't Fruitcake Man look like the best kind of holiday icon?  (from the 3rd Annual Fruitcake Festival webpage).

EW. EW. EW. Do NOT glue your baby.

Here is my very best parenting advice.  Ever.  Do not apply glue to your baby.

Thank you.

Amusing "Actions": Improv Everywhere

Surfing around this morning, I came across the blog site for Improv Everywhere.  I first heard of the group a few years ago when they advertised their "Annual No Pants Subway Ride" in Time Out New York.  Despite some very convincing arguments, Lingual Y patently refused to participate...  Anyway, the group is dedicated to the following:

Improv Everywhere causes scenes of chaos and joy in public places. Created in August of 2001 by Charlie Todd, Improv Everywhere has executed over 60 missions involving hundreds of undercover agents. The group is based in New York City.

I have to admit that I really like the idea of causing amusing chaos.  Their actions are really funny and interrupt the daily flow.  And, I really love the idea of creating "joy" in public places.  Regular readers of this blog will know how much I think New York City needs more joy! 

Their latest action involved getting a group of "gingers" (red heads) together to protest Wendy's "racist" mascot.  Hilarious.  Check it out here.  They have a great narrative of the day and some great photographs.

Best Use of U.S. Taxpayer Money EVER: The Gay Bomb

It's time for everyone's favorite LT Category:  Idiot of the Week.  Today I bring you:  Wright Laboratory. Homosexuality and the military have a long (if often silent) history;  it's not as if the "don't ask, don't tell" policy of the Clinton era is actually anything new.  However, in the "are you kidding me" category comes this great news item.  The U.S. military in its infinite wisdom spent serious time investigating the possibility of creating "a gay bomb."  The U.S. Airforce asked for $7.5 million dollars to build it.  This is not an "April Fools Day" news item.  Sigh.  It's all too real.  From the BBC:

The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say.

You can read the entire proposal, available through the freedom of information act at The Sunshine Project here.  The proposal is pretty hilarious.  It's entitled "Harassing, Annoying and Bad Guy Identifying Chemicals." The gay bomb is category 3, "Chemicals that effect human behavior."  The proposal says "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused 'homosexual behavior.'  Please note:  they had absolutely no evidence that they could actually make this happen--it's all couched in quasi-scientific language.  What surprised me is that the proposal didn't just get tossed out.  There are no references to other studies, to peer reviewed scientfic journals, it's just a bunch of "trying to be science" babble. Homosexuality gets linked to other bomb projects that sting and make people smell bad.  This has got to be r & d at its absolute best.  This reads like some 3rd grade kids sitting in a tree house trying to figure out how to annoy the other kids in the neighborhood.  The Pentagon didn't fund it, but it's pretty scary that this was even considered. 

The Sunshine Project (watchdog group on bio-chemical weapons)
The Sunshine Project's Response to the proposal
Wired
BBC (from 2005!)
CBS5

Onion News: Gap Clothing

You know?  Let's talk about conglomerate media.  There's part of me that thinks The Onion should probably just run the news in the country. The Onion on child labour...

Why Don't Men Go to the Bathroom More Often

...if this is what their urinals look like?  Damn.  I'd never come out.

A Few Sunday Evening Laughs

If you've ever written a paper (or taught!) using MLA style, this one's for you (and especially for Lingual Y, who spent the weekend grading papers.

The MLA Cult

Emoticons You Might Actually Need...

If you haven't seen these, from the mind of Dave Barry, they are pretty funny (and there are more at his site).  I plan to find as many uses for :V:-| and >:-[ -{9 as possible:

:-D*	Person laughing so hard that he or she does not notice that a 5-legged spider is hanging from his or her lip
:-|	Person unsure of which long-distance company to choose
>8-O-(&)	Person just realizing that he or she has a tapeworm
;-)	Person winking
.-)	Person who can still smile despite losing an eyeball
:-0WW	Person vomiting a series of Slim Jims
:-{8	Person who is unhappy with the results of her breast-enlargement surgery
:V:-|	Person who cannot figure out why nobody wants to talk to him or her, little suspecting that there is an alligator on his or her head
~oE]:-|	Fisherperson heading for market with a basket on his or her head containing a three-legged octopus that is giving off smell rays
>:-[ -{9	Person who is none too pleased to be giving birth to a squirrel

The Terror of Lite Brite. Seriously.

Call it a generation gap (NPR), call it an infectious desire for creativity, call it what you'd like, but I am totally disgusted with Boston's overreaction to the Aqua Teen Hunger Force ad campaign.  Give me a BREAK!  When I was a kid, I loved my Lite Brite, and I can totally see the attraction of turning it into a cool guerilla marketing ploy.  It's kind of gitchy, kind of cool.  It's the perfect 21st century marketing campaign to catch the attention of those of us who used to play with Lite Brite.

"Lite Brite, turn on the magic light," "Lite Brite, make a face to glow at night..."

And, here are a few "consumers" putting that "make a face to glow at night" philosophy to the test:

The fact of the matter is I think Aqua Teen Hunger Force is dumb.  It's not a great cartoon.  But, in the face of Boston's total overreaction, I'll probably see the movie because I agree with Stephen Mindich's analysis:

our pop-cultural-knowledge deficient government and law-enforcement officials go over the top and call for the heads of execs from a media company who almost three weeks ago, and without any evidence of malicious intent, launched a basic, and perhaps even clever, marketing campaign. The same guerilla  tactics, by the way, were applied to 10 other markets around the country where the “hoax devices” created no problem or controversy at all.

And I live in one of those other 10 cities...  For the record, I love the line "pop-cultural-knowledge deficient government," and you'll probably be seeing that again here...

Okay, I have to get back to "real" work, so I give you:  on-line, interactive Lite Brite.  Yeah.  Don't get too crazy and make something that will get you arrested.  That ought to waste a few hours.

Milk: It Does Your Heart Good

The Calon Wen organic dairy cooperative in Wales has released a new milk carton initiative today.  According to the Times online:

You could be forgiven for thinking that anybody offering such a delightful prospectus would have potential partners in such profusion that they would have to fend them off with a stick. Yet isolated young farmers in Wales are finding it so hard to meet anyone new that they are looking for love by putting their photographs on the side of milk cartoons.

Read the whole article here.

Still Avoiding Grading...

Bored?  (Avoiding grading papers, fellow academics?)  Try out Monk-e-mail...  I am seriously considering using this to give my students their grades...

http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/

Too much fun!!!

While I Was Gone: Tupperware Became Art!

While I was gone... Tupperware became art;  or, how contemporary art caught consumption... (get it?  CONSUMING art?  Ha ha.)  Dear readers, I apologize for my unexpected hiatus.  Since I've been gone, too many things have happened to blog about, from that damned south-of-the-border fence to mid-term elections to 2 new Feminist Carnivals to Barack Obama running for president to the latest debates in the feminist blogosphere to, well, tupperware art.  And, Melanie from Sour Duck has asked for a more insightful analysis of NextFest, which I hope to post soon.  But...I've been utterly consumed by my semester & just haven't had 2 minutes to update my blog.  But, this morning, heroically, before returning to my stack of freshman essays, here's today's enticing factoid?

Jennifer Peltz's ABC news story:

Tupperware has many purposes: forming Jell-O rings, spin-drying salads, storing spaghetti, microwaving oatmeal. But Tupperware as an evening bag? It may look a bit like a sandwich box, but the lace-patterned accessory is among the winners of a contest that challenged Tupperware sellers and users to get creative with the iconic plastic containers.

Thought you couldn't be an artist?  Rummage in those kitchen cabinets, friends and marvel at the wonderful medium of Tupperware.  You, too, can be an artist for capitalism.  Up next?  Walmart Wonders--Great Art from the 7th Wonder of Consumption:  The Walmart Store...
About the Contest:
Snackshot's Snazzy Pics of Entries
Ummm, and yes, there's a Tupperware blog...

Imaginary Epidemics...

Here's a little hilarity for your Tuesday a.m.  Last week, while I was in a coffee house, I saw an intriguing flyer:  Ban Comic Sans.  I thought it was a flyer for banning comics, but upon closer reading, I discovered that it is about banning the font, comic sans. 

The site, bancomicsans.com explains:

We believe in the sanctity of typography and that the traditions and established standards of this craft should be upheld throughout all time. From Gutenberg's letterpress to the digital age, type in all forms is sacred and indispensable. Type is a voice; its very qualities and characteristics communicate to readers a meaning beyond mere syntax.

And, envisioning a horrific future where McDonald's, Starbuck's and even the U.S. Treasury use nothing but Comic Sans (see photos here), they want your help!

We are summoning forth the proletariat around the globe to aid us in this revolution. We call on the common man to rise up in revolt against this evil of typographical ignorance. We believe in the gospel message "ban comic sans." It shall be salvation to all who are literate. By banding together to eradicate this font from the face of the earth we strive to ensure that future generations will be liberated from this epidemic and never suffer this scourge that is the plague of our time.

Well, is it a scourge of our time?  I kinda like Comic Sans...  How do I get a life where I have time to start a campaign to ban Times New Roman and Ariel?  Heh.  Heh.

New York City: DON'T GET ANY IDEAS

Yeah?  Well too bad I don't live in France.  New York:  don't get any ideas because Bush or Bloomberg sure wouldn't make my morning commute any nicer...

PARIS (Reuters) - The voice of Jacques Chirac greets passengers over the speakers of a Paris commuter train every morning, announcing the next station and wishing them a nice day.

However, the man behind the voice is not the French president in person, but the train's driver Eric Brault, a talented amateur impressionist.

He sometimes welcomes his passengers in the voices of American actor Sylvester Stallone or French rock star Johnny Hallyday, but nothing is as convincing as the president himself.

Secret Messages to Others

Overheard on the subway:

"That book is full of magic stuff.  It takes place in, like no man's land." 

Actually sir, 100 Years of Solitude takes place in Macondo...

How's that for serendipity, given my post from earlier this week?

Want more?  Well, I only ride 1 train a day, so you should visit Overheard in New York!

HILARIOUS!

This was forwarded to me & is worth a look.  Lingual Y and I both failed.  Miserably. 

Test for Smart People

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.  But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is:  Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
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2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
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Wrong Answer.
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Correct Answer:  Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
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3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one.  Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer:  The Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.  This tests your memory.
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Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
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4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer:  You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
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According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
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Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

Fuck You Clown!

Okay:  I have always had a serious clownphobia.  Clowns just freak me out.  So, when I saw a link to the following poetry "exercise," it was right up my alley.  I rather with I'd had this one in my poetry workshops in my student days!  Apostropher at Unfogged writes, "This Should Be Fun":

Here's an activity custom made for this community. In the comments to the sheet music thread below, Magic Matt writes:

Check out the end of the third poem here. It's like reading a poem that builds to "Fuck you, clown!"

And that is true. So it occurred to me that in a more perfect world, many, if not most, poems would end with "Fuck you, clown."

And so, with Apostropher's gaunlet thrown down, I offer you, humble readers, just 2 of the many entries I fooled around with.  With apologies to Thomas:

THE moving sun-shapes on the spray,
The sparkles where the brook was flowing,
Pink faces, plightings, moonlit May,—
These were the clowns we wished would stay;
      But they were going.          

Seasons of blankness as of snow,
The silent bleed of a world decaying,
The moan of multitudes in woe,—
These were the clowns we wished would go;
      Fuck you, clowns.

With apologies to Emily:

SAFE in their alabaster chambers,
Untouched by morning and untouched by noon,
Sleep the meek clowns of the resurrection,
Rafter of satin, and roof of stone.

Light laughs the breeze in her castle of sunshine;       
Babbles the bee in a stolid ear;
Pipe the sweet clowns in ignorant cadence,—
Ah, what sagacity perished here!

Grand go the years in the crescent above them;
Worlds scoop their arcs, and firmaments row,       
Diadems drop and Doges surrender,
Fuck you clowns!

Make sure you read the "comments" over at Unfogged.  Last I checked, they were up to 506 responses.  Among my favorites, Matt's (#3)

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, fuck you, clown.

Armsmasher's (#13):

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately edict thus decree:
Fuck you, clown.

And the best comment on the thread?  "Mona Van Duyn needed TiVo," posted by Robust McManly Pants!

Do try your own.  It's hours of endless fun!

Hat Tip to Bitch, Ph.D. for the link.

What I Love About the Net

Hanging out at The Fat Lady Sings this morning, I noticed some great graphics in one of her posts from The Project for the Old American Century.  Here are a few awesome images from their galleries:

I encourage you to explore their whole site, but here's more about their project and their philosophy:

We are in danger of squandering the opportunity and failing the challenge. We are endangering not only the world, but ourselves. The right wing extremists who came to power through media manipulation and questionable elections have begun an assault on our nation from the inside. Our main points of focus are:

• The democratic process
• Foreign policy
• Media
• Civil liberties
• Environment
• Separation of church and state

 

It is a time to call for the way things were planned by the Founding Fathers. They way things were planned in the Old American Century.

The project for the OLD American Century represents no one political party, as they have all sold out to the highest bidder; but stands for the Bill of Rights; the Constitution; the working class, as well as all those the new religion of free market capitalism leaves behind; and the people serving in our armed forces if and when it is serving the people of this nation and not just the corporate interests it now paves the way for.

We believe the only imperial stance this great nation should take is that of peacefully encouraging freedom, equality, and civil liberty here at home and around the globe. Not just in words, but in deeds. The ideals of the OLD American Century knowing that those ideals were not then nor have they ever been achieved—but were at least, before now, strived for and what we at the Project for the Old American Century strive for now.

Perpetual war for perpetual peace and profits over people cannot be allowed to continue. The cost has been, is continuing to be and will be, much, much too high.

Random Coconut

Why?  Why, I ask you, was there a lonely, random coconut abandoned in front of my building under a bush?  Why? 

More Lego Fun: This Time, Aztec Gods...

Head on over to flickr to see Dunechaser's interpretation of Huitzilopochtli, Mayahuel, Mictlantecuhtli, Quetzalcoatl, Tlaloc, and Xipe Totec, lego-style!

Who needs a mother?

A few semesters ago, I had trouble convincing a student that the Onion, while an important weekly read of mine, was not an appropriate source for a research paper (no, the student was not using the ironic take of the Onion to make a larger social/cultural/political point!).  So, this morning, I rather wonder if the Onion might start providing out current administration with all of the "research" it needs on various subjects.  Tony Snow can cite "reliable authorities" and "published scientific research..."  Via the Onion (click to read the whole thing).  Hat tip to Twisty:

Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a "safe and effective method" for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed.

Pfizer, manufacturer of UR-86—dubbed the "last-morning-ever pill"—said the drug is intended only for occasions when the mind-set or politics of the mother threaten the life of the fetus.

"This drug is designed for extreme cases in which the mother cannot or should not be saved, or when her health has been placed before that of her unborn child," Pfizer spokesman Anthony Wright said.

Matthew Barney Home Repair

And apparently that glue wasn't done expanding when I last posted pictures...  I got a little crazy with the Gorilla Glue and the end result is that my dresser looks like a cross between "This Old House" and the "Cremaster Cycle."  But, at least I can put my clothes away for the first time in months. 

Plagiarists Welcome!

Via Chaos Theory, check out this contest at The Morning News that pays you for plagiarizing work! 

The TMN “Sloppy Seconds With Opal Mehta” Contest

The Rules:
—You are limited to 750 of somebody else’s words; none of those words may be your own.
—All material must be cited (author, work, page number). This is the only part where you have to be honest; unlike professional publishers, we’re actually going to check.
—You must plagiarize from a minimum of five different books by as many authors as you wish. The only demand we make is that those books were published at some point, somewhere.
—You must lift only phrases, whole sentences, or passages. No¹ single²-word³ citations⁴ allowed⁵.

All entries must be received by midnight on Friday, May 12, or by the time we check our email on Saturday morning, whichever comes later.

Entries will be judged on the creative use of their source material as well as the excellence of the finished story. The winner of the TMN “Sloppy Seconds With Opal Mehta” Contest will have his or her story published on The Morning News, and will also receive a TMN T-shirt and mug to remind them of this, the moment ethics in writing died.

Send all entries to talk@themorningnews.org (paste your story into the body of the email—no attachments, please), and good luck!

¹Because ↩
²that ↩
³would be ↩
⁴too ↩
⁵easy. ↩

Virtual Bubble Wrap!

Insomnia fun:

Virtual Bubble Wrap.  I'm not kidding.

Yet Another Reason to Go to England

Here's a great reason to head to England for summer holidays!

The Harvester in Solihull, west central England, is thought to be the first in the country to lay on the in-house tattoo service for customers from a studio in a converted storeroom.

Peeps Fetish

Is it better knowing that you're not alone?

Peeps Research (link via Psycho Kitty )
More Peeps Stuff (over at Bitch Ph.D.)

And the not to be missed:  EASTER TURDUCKEN at Asteroid!!!

More on Peeps...

Humph.  More on Peeps.  I don't quite get it. 

Ummm... Happy Easter?

Check out what I'll call more fun than you should actually have with Peeps... by blitzcat

And for Your Sunday Night Irreverence...

The cure for what ills ya....

Ill Will Press' The Neurotically Yours Vault

Not for the squemish or culturally sensitive or prude...

Among my favorites:

"Jiggly Butt"
"Medicated Baby Heads" (SICK!)
"Coffee House Propaganda" (This one is for my little sister...)
"Bra Bashing"
and
"Free Your Mind"

Cats In Sinks. What else do you need?

Lingual Y says my Ph.D. is now officially revoked because of this post:  Best.  Site.  Ever:  Cats in Sinks.  It's About Cats.  In Sinks.  Via TFS!!!

Better Than a Heart Attack...Better Than Throwing Your Cell Phone

Don't go apoplectic...go out to eat and smash your plate!  Via Yahoo:

At the Isdaan restaurant in Gerona, about three hours north of Manila, Vescara and other patrons work out their stress for 15 pesos (30 U.S. cents) a go by hurling plates at the "wall of fury" emblazoned with words such as ex-wife, boss and lover.

A shout of "tacsiyapo" -- or "shame on you" in the local dialect -- usually accompanies the sound of smashing crockery.

Vases and bowls are also available, while the wealthier of the furious patrons can toss an old TV set for 1,300 pesos.

They might not have enough plates...

Secret Messages to Others: The Elevator Version

Things, perhaps, you shouldn't say in an elevator, especially when the muzak is particularly bad and it's early in the morning:

6:30 a.m. in the hotel elevator after a very rough night's sleep.  A guy gets in, sipping his coffee.  I'm sipping my coffee, laptop in the other hand. 

"What are you?"  He asks.

"A teacher.  What are you?" I ask.

"Ha!  An orthopedic surgeon.  I make more money than you."

Elevator doors open, our characters exit into their day.

Yes, yes, you probably do make more money than me.

Now Seriously: Here's a Sport they Need in the OLYMPICS

I am sooooo bored by the Olympics and mad about the pre-emption of West Wing for ice dancing.  So, in today's "I Want to Be a Jock" post, here's a sport I can finally get behind.  All of the violence of hockey, all of the brains of the Nobel Prize.  It's CHESS BOXING.  Why doesn't the Olympics have Chess Boxing?  If they have ICE DANCING, why can't they have CHESS BOXING?