Imagination Station: The Bush Press Conference on Global Warming

Well kids, it's going to hit 112 degrees today.  In the "I wish" category, I am rather wishing I had a way to publish my stream of conscious narratives while I am walking in the morning.  It might be heat stroke.  Or, it might be my imagination.  Either way, today on my walk, I pretended that I interviewed President Bush.  The imaginary press conference went something like this:

LX:  Mr. Bush, can you please comment on the phenomenon of global warming?

Mr. Bush:  I think we have a problem on global warming. I think there is a debate about whether it's caused by mankind or whether it's caused naturally, but it's a worthy debate.  It's a debate, actually, that I'm in the process of solving by advancing new technologies, burning coal cleanly in electric plants, or promoting hydrogen-powered automobiles, or advancing ethanol as an alternative to gasoline.

LX: So, New York City is 112 degrees today and you're solving it how?

Mr. Bush:  Shoot girl, come on down to Texas if you think 112 degrees is heat!  But, I did reverse my previous comments, which I see that you are pleased by.  112 degrees is not normal, you're right.  But I am solving global warming. 

LX:  Well, you didn't really tell me how you're doing this, but since you are already busy solving global warming, does that mean I can replace the air conditioner in my bedroom?

Mr. Bush:  Your bedroom, your dining room, your bathroom, the whole darn house!

LX:  You mean, my microscopically tiny 1 bedroom New York City apartment?

Mr. Bush:  Umm... sure.

LX:  Mr. Bush, do you think I can afford the cost of the electricity to air condition my whole apartment?  I mean, I think it's more environmentally sound and cost efficient to just air condition the bedroom at night.

Mr. Bush:  Girl, you're in education!  Keep those test scores up and you, like all teachers, will be richly rewarded.  And, it's your American duty to help out the economy in this time of war.  Didn't you study about a war economy in school?  Plus, I already told you.  I'm fixing global warming.  So, fire 'em up and cool down.

LX:  Mr. Bush, my air conditioner?  The one that broke?  It was made in India.

Mr. Bush:  But you didn't buy it in India, did you missy?  So, what's good for you is good for our good old American economy!

LX:  And, if I were to buy these air conditioners, Mr. Bush, would there be enough electricity to keep them on?  I mean, Queens just lost power for 10 days and today, New York City residents have been told to turn off all major appliances so that the energy grid isn't strained.

Mr. Bush:  Girl, fuck the poor.

LX:  I live in Queens.

Mr. Bush:  I mean, Con Edison is doing a great job.  Now, I've got to run.  I have global warming to solve, peace in the Middle East and today's August 1st, so I'm off for a nice vacation at the ranch.

LX:  Ummm...  thanks?

Read more:

Global Warming is Just Hot Air
Administration Shifts on Global Warming
The J-Walk Blog
Gristmill
Transbuddha/Will Ferrell on Global Warming